Why do we speak the worst to the ones we love the most?
Confession time… This weekend was a bit of a doozy.
The kind where we just weren’t seeing eye to eye.
The kind where you have gotten so deep into an argument that you aren’t sure how it even started and if you even care anymore. [Side note: When we get to that place, we wave the white flag and say “cantaloupe.” Seriously, it’s our safe word. Try to say or hear someone else vulnerably say cantaloupe and still be mad. Once someone waves the white flag it is like a reset button and we have both vowed to respect the cantaloupe… it’s the only way it will work.]
(We have several formal rules of engagement for our fights… hey, it works for us. Future blog post? Maybe.)
But my question is… Why do we speak the worst to the ones we love the most?
We would likely never speak to a friend, neighbor, or coworker with that cutting tone… unless of course, you are trying to ruin the relationship.
Call it hormones, call it a strong personality, or just call it crazy.
But this is a real problem and I know after speaking to many of you that I am not alone in this.
I know in a clear mindset we don’t want to cut our spouse down or destroy our marriage.
So… Why do we speak the worst to the ones we love the most?
It seems to me that they are our safe people.
They have proven to love us unconditionally and even at our worst.
They are the people that you don’t have to put on the fake face for or pretend to be happy.
They are your person, your happily ever after, the one you can’t live without…
If this is the person you would lay down your life for and vice versa, then how can this also be the same person that gets the brunt of your bad attitude, sassy responses, and sharp cutting tone?
Maybe you shouldn’t let it all hang out just because there is a mutual unconditional love.
Even if you are right… if it’s said loudly or harshly… that still makes you wrong.
What about this perspective…
How would you handle the “discussion” if it were with your boss or pastor?
But it’s not your boss or pastor… it’s your spouse.
How would you handle the discussion if your boss or pastor was in the same room?
Gotcha… Didn’t I?
(Who am I kidding… I am totally lecturing myself here.)
We are so eager to get the last word, prove our point, or win the argument that we forget the one basic rule Jesus gave us.
Surprisingly… I think he intended for you to include your spouse in the “others” category.
Even when we are spoken to harshly… we are responsible for ourselves, our words, and our response. You are the only one that can control the words that come from your mouth. (That one hurt me a little bit to type out.)
Here is my challenge for you in this category…
(First of all… If you are one of those people that cannot relate to this post at all… Maybe you should get a book on stuffing your emotions, silent treatment, or denial.)
The next time you find yourself in a “discussion” with your spouse will you speak to them like there is a guest in the house?
You can choose your own imaginary guest… the pastor, boss, neighbor, mother-in-law, or Jesus.
(No pressure… but choose wisely, it could make all the difference.)
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