Goodbye Christmas, Hello Fear

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Taking down the Christmas tree and decorations always leaves an empty feeling in my heart and home. The corner where the tree stood seems so bare, the snow seems pointless now, and all the excitement and anticipation has dwindled.

But this year the there is an extra feeling hanging out in the empty zone…fear.

Upon taking down the Christmas decorations, I have suffered flashbacks…. The lack of sun light followed by the blinding glare of snow out my window reminds me of the all too desolate season mother nature and I were in last year at this time.

But I know this too shall past. I know that I don’t live in Narnia and the beautiful trees will leaf again. I also know that I am not the same person I was a year ago. I have grown, I have matured, and I have found my place.

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Of the 29 years that I have lived thus far… This past year has been my biggest year of personal growth and for that I am grateful and excited. (I am also sorta hoping I am all caught up in the growth department, growing hurts! But… that will be a future story I will share with you.)

Just to catch you up…

Last winter was one of the most difficult seasons of my life. We had just left our comfortable small town filled with friends, family and familiar faces. I was lonely yet never alone! The kids didn’t have any friends either and most of their toys were still packed which meant they were under foot and seeking me out for entertainment. Meanwhile I was nursing the newborn, had postpartum hormones to deal with, wrangling a 16-month-old, and still not sleeping more than a couple of hours at a time.

So many things are already different this year…

I made some friends and I put myself out there. (I can’t even tell you how many times I didn’t know a soul in the room.) I had to shed a bunch of insecurities, pride, and walls that I had built. I had to surrender every aspect of my life. I prayed A LOT, I cried A LOT, and I journaled A LOT.

Some tangible things that have changed…

– I have figured out (not to be confused with mastered) this mom of 4 thing. Just getting everyone out of the car and in to Target was overwhelming for a while.

– The kids have a wonderful group of friends and most are neighbors.

– Our house feels like our home. We have done some home improvement projects that have really made it feel more homey.

– James can walk and (sorta) talk now. (I am still hoping the frustrated 2-year-old tantrums will start to subside. Who am I kidding? We all know it’s really terrible 3s!)

– I sleep and the baby sleeps. Hallelujah, praise the Lord! Thank you Jesus!!

Even if you are not in a new place physically you might be struggling with a new place in a life season. Sometimes, like I was, you are in both… and they can be dark, lonely and scary places.

The hard places and seasons don’t last forever and I think they tend to move themselves along a little faster once we own them. When we figure out what we are struggling with we can start to face the issues head on. I still have plenty to work on, process, and fine tune… But I am a work in progress.

As the glaring sun is rising this morning… my question for you is where were you last year? How far have you come? What are you still working through?

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0 thoughts on “Goodbye Christmas, Hello Fear

  1. “There may be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning!!!” This verse got me thru so many days and nights of “growth”…

  2. Christen I feel you. I think I’m in that place this year. Within a span of two months I have lost my grandma, had a baby, moved to a new area and have become a stay at home mom. Thank you for letting me in on your world- it makes me know I need to put myself out there too.

  3. so, the winter solstice is my favorite day of the year, just when I don;t think I can take anymore hours in the dark the days start gaining sunlight; motherhood and adulthood- growing happens everyday and it gets better and better…