A quick recap/definition of FaKebook Friday:
On FaKebook Friday I give an example of a FaKebook vs a Real Life version of the same story, essentially mocking the way we all have a tendency to put a spin on the things we share on Facebook.
FaKebook is the version of the story that you want everyone to see or know and Real Life is the version that you don’t really share for whatever reason.
Still not quite sure what FaKebook is? Click here.
Last month I posted this photo…
With this caption:
So sweet right? Aren’t we just the greatest parents ever?
[Real Life Version]
Yes, we took the kids to see the new Stars Wars movie before school and yes I guess that makes us cool, (in their eyes and complete nerds to the rest of the world), whatever.
Our thought in taking them to this movie is that they would always remember this experience. A movie in a theater before school? Epic childhood memory, right?
Well, I am certain they will not forget the experience, but not exactly in the epic way this mama hoped!
We really awakened some forces!
We got the the theater before the sun even came up, it was bitter cold… like single digit cold. Nothing like hopping out of bed and heading straight in to the arctic.
We get in the theater and dad surprised us… 3D!
Even more epic for the memory bank.
Well we got to the theater freakishly early… as in we were the first ones there. (for Star Wars? How was this even possible?) The level of anticipation paired with the amount of time to wait on an empty/groggy stomach is really not the best for anyone. (I think Shane was just a tad bit excited. #nerding)
Good thing we packed them the breakfast of champions… granola bars and water. My children looked at me like I was asking them to eat trash. They got over it. Sorta? Maybe they just stopped complaining about being hungry.
The previews were winding down so I decided to take one last trip to the bathroom. As I was returning my child was running down the hallway in tears. I stopped said child to find out what was wrong… then I smelled it…
In my head I thought… are you kidding me? How do you even have anything to throw up when you looked at my granola bar like it was scrap metal.
For the remainder of this post… we will refer to him as “Barf Child.”
Any who… With great resistance I ushered Barf Child into the women’s restroom.
(My boys hate this. So degrading. Well, suck it up kid, you’re covered in puke… your opinion no longer matters.)
It was everywhere. All down the front of him.
I peeled off his sweat shirt… of course he chose not to wear anything underneath that morning… too early to formulate layers of clothing I suppose.
I took off my sweatshirt, put it on BC and looked in the mirror.
Good golly, apparently it was too early for me to formulate layers too.
(I should clarify, I was not standing there topless in front of my child… I was wearing a tank top, but not the type one can wear in public, in a movie theater, in December at 5 o’clock in the morning).
So, I sent an SOS message to Shane who was obliviously chillin’ in the theater… “I need your sweatshirt NOW!”
So the sweatshirt domino effect pursued… Good thing Shane has early morning common sense.
(He’s used to functioning in the dark, cold, wee hours of the morning.)
What I forgot to mention was that by the time BC had his episode the theater was full. It was opening day of Star Wars… FULL and in all of our enthusiasm, we chose seats dead center… Do you see where I am going with this?
BC swears no one noticed, no one saw, and he was able to turn his barf-nasty front away from the people and shimmy out of the aisle. Uh, ok… if you say so.
(Some background to this story would be that BC came of from school twice that week for passing out, raging headaches and nausea. It seemed like everything was on the mend the night before and pediatrician thought maybe he was having migraines as there were not flu symptoms. I was to keep an eye on BC and let her know if anything changed.)
BC begged to stay and watch the movie.
What’s a mother to do?
We we already bought the tickets, were already there, it was the crack of dawn, and don’t forget the sweatshirt shuffle.
Guys, I am kinda ashamed to say this… but we stayed and watched the movie.
So… we rolled up his barf-nasty sweatshirt and tucked it behind a trashcan near the side exit of the theater.
One caveat… the theater has the recliner seats and he was not sharing the armrest with the kid next to him, it was the double armrest, like where the two chairs come together… what I am trying to say is… there was plenty of space between him and the poor fellow viewer next to him. I prayed for that kid and his immune system… I am sure it was fine.
BC did not have any further episodes during the movie. Thank you Lawrd! The 3D surprise was a bit hard on the migraine side of things and I caught him with his eyes closed a couple of times. (Sorry, bud.)
But what about the other child you ask?
Oh yes, we will call him Gassy Child for the remainder of this post.
That kid had a train wanting to leave the station, if you know what I mean. Oh man!
However, he would not admit his need and certainly did not want to drop the bomb in a public restroom. Again, the early morning scrabble got the best of him.
So for the entire movie we and all the poor souls around us were in a stinky fog.
It was relentless. We told him to stop but apparently… he couldn’t hold those ghost turds in.
By the time the movie ended, I was so embarrassed I practically ran out of the theater in my man sized attire. We grabbed the acid chowder soaked sweatshirt from behind the trashcan and booked it to the car.
We were totally that family. We left the babies home (with Marilyn) so that we wouldn’t ruin the movie experience for those around us.
Our cloud of upchuck and stink bombs probably ruined it for everyone.
But on the flip side… we created
epic lasting memories not only for our own children but also for all the patrons at the 6 a.m. showing at the AMC Bowles Crossing 12.
So, I guess… “You’re Welcome” is in order.
If you can handle more of my Facebook humor, here are some ways to connect with me and get your dose of “real” via the old WWW…
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I cross my heart I won’t abuse being including in your circle of trust… I won’t spam you, I won’t sell your information, I just don’t want you to miss a thing!